hey its genna here. its summer time, and yet ive got tons of school assignments to do. since i am taking a few advanced classes, my summer assignments are even harder and there is more to learn. i have to learn over 100 prefixes, suffixes, and stems. then i get a test on the first and second day of school on the vocabulary. i am not excited because theres more. i also have to read two books and write an essay for each, i purposely did not take honors for this class even though the teacher wanted me to. since ive had my surgery, i have not been able to do anything. i know it has only been two weeks but still, i like to be active! i want to go ride my horse and play soccer. speaking of soccer, a boy started talking to me and flirting with me but he isnt my religion but i think i might like him. he might meet my mom this saturday so that way i will be allowed to hang out with him alone. he respects what i believe in and what a relationship means to me and he wants the same type of relationship as me but he wanted to be more sexual than i do. i told him nothing would change my mind about what i want to do with a boy and he said it would be hard for him but he wants to get to know me more and then date me even if the relationship doesnt have as much sexual attention as he hoped for. he seems like a nice guy but i just feel all confused. when i talk to him, sometimes i feel like he doesnt actually care..but then sometimes he does. i feel all confused about him and boys in general. i wish a good catholic boy who is my type would come and lift me off my feet, i wish a boy would want me without feeling like he needs to fix me or without feeling like there needs to be alot of sexual attention in the relationship, i wish there was a guy who i could cuddle with and he wouldnt get a boner everytime he saw me. im not that attractive. i just want a good guy. a good guy that my mom and brothers and sisters approve of. their opinion means alot to me. i dont care how many boys flirt with me or check me out. they mean nothing unless one of them has good intentions. the boy im speaking to right now apparently has good intentions but im still scared of being used again. it hurts and im sure many people know that. but personally what hurts the most is when your dad leaves you when you are a baby and then comes back and then leaves, and it just goes back in forth. he is married for the third time now. but he doesnt care about me. he will compliment me if he sees me, like call me beautiful, but then he will guilt trip me about stuff. now sometimes its hard not to think of my dad everytime a boy calls me beautiful. i think to myself "do you really mean that? or are you just saying that so you can just string me along?" but all i end up saying is "awh youre sweet, thankyou". im telling you, life is rough and it just gets worse. sure it has its ups that are amazing but then the downs go all the way deep into the burning fires of hell and its hard. but you just have to get through it. you just have to keep on swimming.